Several times a year I have the misfortune of observing someone wearing a Utility kilt. in public, harshly reminding me that they indeed still exist. Whenever I see one of these be-kilted specimens, I always get the vague impression that they think they're on the bleeding edge of a fashion revolution, that they're an early adopter, so to speak. Every day they trot out their little pleated skirts and think, "This is it. This is the year that Utilikilts finally catch on! And I was there to help make it a reality!"
I regret to inform them that this is never going to happen. Not in our lifetimes at least. Oh to be sure, the Utility kilt. will always be found in certain fringe areas, such as RenFaires and comic book conventions. But the cold hard truth is that it's never going to be be embraced by mainstream America.
I am aware that kilts are still regularly worn by men in all walks of life in Scotland. That's fine. More power to the Scots, I say! But see, over there it's a part of their cultural heritage. A page torn from their history. We have no cultural heritage here in America. Scots guys in kilts are honoring their forefathers. American guys in kilts are weirdos in skirts.
In the interest of full disclosure, on most days you can find me walking around in a pair of cargo shorts. You may be asking yourself what's the difference? Why are my shorts OK while the Utilikilt is deserving of my scorn? Aren't both garments basically the same? Do both not expose the same about of calf flesh?
Fans of the Utility kilt, please give it up. No matter how many times you wear yours in public, NO other man is ever going to think, "Say, I like the way that guy looks in that kilt! He seems so free, so loosed from the physical and societal restraints of traditional legged garments. A man could get a lot done in a free wheeling, kicky little number like that." It just ain't gonna happen. And no matter how many pockets and pouches you sew onto it, no matter what camouflage pattern you use to construct it, there's no getting around the fact that you're just a dude in a skirt.